Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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