I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
