The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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