I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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