I didn't shave. On purpose
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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