I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
