Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
