My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
