Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
