ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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