go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
