Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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