my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
