I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
