i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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