I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
