He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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