rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
