im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
