Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
