Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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