This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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