She is in my trunk
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
