There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
