2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
