do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
