I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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