She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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