fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
