apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
