Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
