It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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