I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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