Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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