I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We are all done wearing pants today
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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