I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
