Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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