i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
