Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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