Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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