I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
