No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
