i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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