i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
