There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
