my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
