my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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