that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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