Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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