Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
