These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
