apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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