I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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