I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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