Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
