There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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