Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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