I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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