Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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