Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
