Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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